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Staff

Fall 2009 Masthead

Editor-in-Chief

Mike Schecht

Mike did a tour of duty in 'Nam back in '69. He now suffers from severe memory loss, hair loss, and dementia due to the effects of Agent Orange. However, he uses his disconnect with reality to aid in his writing for the Zamboni, which he joined upon hearing of an offer of free cookies. In his spare time he can be seen chasing people and shouting obscenities at passersby in Davis Square. Any monetary donations will be much appreciated and most definitely won't be used to feed his growing drug habit.

Managing Editors

Luke "Secret Goth" Burns

Three words that describe Luke Burns: Raconteur. Bon vivant. Man about town. It doesn't matter what town, if Luke's in it, he'll be about it. Hailing from the great state of New York (Excelsior! *wink, wink*), Luke is the proud owner of one of the largest private collections of leather-bound graphic novels on the Eastern seaboard. A Managing Editor at the illustrious Zamboni Journal of Foreign Policy, Luke hopes to use his high-profile position to raise awareness of himself. If you like long walks, laughs, and being lectured about foreign films, don't wait! Reply to Zamboni Personals' Box 812 .

Matthew "It Rhymes with Fuzz" Luz

Since childhood, Matthew's lifelong dream was to embrace manifest destiny by striking out west in search of new hope and fresh possibilities. Past the Mississippi River, he foresaw an untouched wilderness where he could carve out a stretch of land in the great American frontier. This dream was promptly shattered when, after taking a wrong turn off I-90 Matthew was mugged in Gary, Indiana. Seeing that America's heartland had gone all "Beyond Thunderdome," he instead went with his backup plan: enrolling at Medford-Somerville Community College, now known as Tufts. Enlisting with the Zamboni, Matthew has carved out a niche writing pieces only he understands and photoshopping together images that have little to do with the articles they're paired with. He can usually be found in the Psychology Building, desperately researching what he should do with his pending degree.

Editors-at-Large

Ian Donovan

Ian was raised a poor farm boy, living on the land and a healthy supply of beef Hot Pockets. Upon reaching manhood (an event marked by celebratory balloons, a handle of vodka, and much lonely weeping) he moved into the proverbial "Big City" to make a living the only way he knew how: stump speeches about urination and other vulgar bodily functions. After exhausting his (admittedly massive) supply of synonyms for pooping, he finally finagled his way into Tufts. Confused, he joined the Zamboni after being promised cookies and large women.

Ryan "Ryanstone Cowboy " Oliveira

Quite possibly the hero reborn yet again in the time of Hyrule's greatest need but dropped too many times on the head as a baby to know for sure, Ryan came to Tufts on a study-abroad program that lets Texans know what winter looks like. As a freshman, he joined the Zamboni after following a trail of Dorito crumbs that ended in him being locked in the Schneider room for four days alone with a portrait of Jimmy Carter. When not getting bitten by animals, he is known to enjoy biology (Biopsych is too a real major!), video games (L to the Z), learning Spanish curse words, Photoshop, and failing to catch Simpsons references. Also known as "Father of the Modern Whexican."

Staff

Will "You Sleep With Me " Sokoloff

Will is an all around awesome guy. At first we all thought that he was another a-hole from Jersey, but then we found out that he’s probably the funniest New Jerseyite (not New Jersian) in the world. Will proved himself by reporting on the Method Man/Saigon stabbing (see article), finding Pierce Brosnan drunk off his ass in Iraq (see photo) and getting his manhood bitten by a dog (see Will). When he’s not busy working on his photos he spends his time deciding if he looks more like Zach Braff, Tom Cruise, Wolverine, or Tony Danza. It depends. We all anticipate greatness from this comedic star; we just wish he would transfer … that pompous ass.

Emma Goldstein

Emma Goldstein was born and raised in the hood of Andover, Massachusetts. After being told to “class it up” by the folks at J. Crew, Emma moved to Haskell Hall, a high-end retirement village on the edge of Somerville. It’s like Boca Raton, but better. There she spends her days playing high stakes Bingo and slurping trick-turned green jello. Tufts Zamboni,the most intellectual community straddling Medford and Somerville, invited Emma to join them after new magazine affirmative action efforts were put into place. Emma is only on the Zamboni because of her soaring SAT scores, estrogen and love of those who are “80 years young.” After being turned down from Tufts’ leading conservative publication, The Primary Source, which claimed, “Affirmative action? We don’t do that shit,” Emma chose the Zamboni, a close second.

Andrew Lang

Andrew “Andy” Lang hails from the quaint Jewish shtetl of East Brunswick in glorious New Jersey, the (Olive) Garden State. Besides technically being appointed mayor of the town for seventeen seconds, other accomplishments by Andy include never having seen the movie Titanic and actually getting into Tufts. Mister Lang’s interests include anachronisms, Scotland, and hunting Nazis. He really enjoys making lols with the folks at The Zamboni, but he’s really insecure so if you run into him, be sure to tell him he’s a funny guy (even if he isn’t).

Jonathan Wooldridge

Jonathan Wooldridge hasn't done anything noteworthy since he was 10, but man, that time in 5th grade? That was awesome. Seriously, you should have been there.

Previous Editors-in-Chief

Devin "South Hall" Toohey

The son of a peg-legged prostitute and Dionysus, Greek god of wine, Devin grew up in the mean streets of middle-class northern Jersey. After spending his first 18 years entangling himself with the Mafia, untangling himself with the Mafia, and learning every poop joke known to man, he came to Tufts because … well, what else was he going to do? Devin marveled the Zamboni staff at his first meeting by proving that no matter how awkward they were, he could still manage to out-awkward all of them. Devin’s work has covered such grave subject matter as masturbation, Communism, porno, Shakespeare, poop, academia, zombies, Iraq, porno, alcoholism, poop, religion, poop, the legal system, mass media, porno, poop, and much more. Through blackmail, bribes, and blowjobs, he eventually assumed the position of managing editor (which is a lot more uncomfortable than the standard missionary position). Except now he is in London and too busy ruining America’s already tarnished name to work full-time at the Zamboni. But like Jesus, King Arthur, John Lennon, and Captain America, he will return one day. If there is one thing we can learn from the Devin-Toohey-Story, it is that even if one is attractive, gay, and not Jewish, he can still be kind of funny.

Mike "Rainbow Sword" Yarsky

Mike Yarsky found his calling, like many others on Zamboni staff and in the greater artistic community, by channeling his deep sexual frustrations into comedic writing. Naturally, the endeavor led to numerous honors and achievements: having quelled the Somalian proxy war between Ethiopia and Eritrea through a hilarious though albeit unpublished news-brief on moist panties, he received a Purple Heart, a Congressional Medal of Honor, and a $25 gift certificate to Douches-R-Us. He would like to thank pigeons, the Amish, and the White House for providing virtually boundless opportunities of comic inspiration.

Francis "Definitely Not Gay " Dahl

Francis may come off as being homosexual, but that's just not true. In fact, he's even allergic to nuts. He may also come off as being American, which is just more lies, because he's actually British, despite not having any accent to speak of. Francis is most remembered for presiding over France during the early periods of the Renaissance, a time of immense cultural change for the empire.

What? Oh, wrong Francis. Sorry. Nevermind. Francis is most remembered for his bitchin' hair.

Stephanie "Sugar, Spice, and Everything Evil" Vallejo

Stephanie's reign at The Zamboni can most accurately be described as a "benevolent dictatorship," the kind that Hobbes wrote about in his classic of English literature, The Leviathon. To much dismay and not a few threats of self-harm from her followers, Stephanie abandoned The Zamboni to become Editor-in-Chief of the Daily, a move known in the industry as "working for something she can actually put on her resume." Though The Primary Source joked that they weren't sure if the move was "a step up for Ms. Vallejo or a step down for the Daily," we at The Zamboni would like to think of it as a step down for Ms. Vallejo and a step up for the Daily. When not jumping to bigger and better things, Stephanie enjoys self-censoring swearwords (see: d-bag, a-hole, mothereffer), copious consumption of Diet Coke, and gnomes. Just, you know, because.

Zamboni Alums

Julie "From Russia with Love" Gomstyn

Before joining The Zamboni, Julie Gomstyn worked as a trained assassin under the codename Black Mamba. She was as happy as any paid killer could be before she realized that her true calling was to hurt people through words, not bullets. Now she gets her kicks by writing offensive articles for The Zamboni, ordering Dominos at three in the morning, and watching television shows whose title characters fight crime/vampires.

Ron "Doc Biohazard " Brown

Once upon a time, a young New Jersey prom queen (fearing her parents' reaction) self-aborted her unborn child and flushed it down the toilet. In what can only be described as some ungodly fluke of biology and luck, the flesh-pile that would be Ron fell into radioactive waste and began to feed on it. Eight and a half months later, its protective radiation-infused placental cocoon burst open to reveal a young, super-powerful negro boy with a gigantic head. Alone in the urban jungle that is New Jersey, this bastard child of the atom was taken in by a kindly New Jersey family where he learned, for the first time, of love. Years later, he became the hard fightin, hard drinkin', radioactive superscientist adventurer he is today.

Ron enjoys biomedical research, illustrating humor magazines, battling his evil twin, and foiling his arch-enemy's plot for world domination.

	Editor-in-Chief
	Mike Schecht Mike did a tour of duty in 'Nam back in '69. He now suffers from severe memory loss, hair loss, and dementia due to the effects of Agent Orange. However, he uses his disconnect with reality to aid in his writing for the Zamboni, which he joined upon hearing of an offer of free cookies. In his spare time he can be seen chasing people and shouting obscenities at passersby in Davis Square. Any monetary donations will be much appreciated and most definitely won't be used to feed his growing drug habit.
	Managing Editors
	Luke "Secret Goth" Burns Three words that describe Luke Burns: Raconteur. Bon vivant. Man about town. It doesn't matter what town, if Luke's in it, he'll be about it. Hailing from the great state of New York (Excelsior! wink, wink), Luke is the proud owner of one of the largest private collections of leather-bound graphic novels on the Eastern seaboard. A Managing Editor at the illustrious Zamboni Journal of Foreign Policy, Luke hopes to use his high-profile position to raise awareness of himself. If you like long walks, laughs, and being lectured about foreign films, don't wait! Reply to Zamboni Personals' Box 812 .
	Matthew "It Rhymes with Fuzz" Luz Since childhood, Matthew's lifelong dream was to embrace manifest destiny by striking out west in search of new hope and fresh possibilities. Past the Mississippi River, he foresaw an untouched wilderness where he could carve out a stretch of land in the great American frontier. This dream was promptly shattered when, after taking a wrong turn off I-90 Matthew was mugged in Gary, Indiana. Seeing that America's heartland had gone all "Beyond Thunderdome," he instead went with his backup plan: enrolling at Medford-Somerville Community College, now known as Tufts. Enlisting with the Zamboni, Matthew has carved out a niche writing pieces only he understands and photoshopping together images that have little to do with the articles they're paired with. He can usually be found in the Psychology Building, desperately researching what he should do with his pending degree.
	Editors-at-Large
	Ian Donovan Ian was raised a poor farm boy, living on the land and a healthy supply of beef Hot Pockets. Upon reaching manhood (an event marked by celebratory balloons, a handle of vodka, and much lonely weeping) he moved into the proverbial "Big City" to make a living the only way he knew how: stump speeches about urination and other vulgar bodily functions. After exhausting his (admittedly massive) supply of synonyms for pooping, he finally finagled his way into Tufts. Confused, he joined the Zamboni after being promised cookies and large women.
	Ryan "Ryanstone Cowboy " Oliveira Quite possibly the hero reborn yet again in the time of Hyrule's greatest need but dropped too many times on the head as a baby to know for sure, Ryan came to Tufts on a study-abroad program that lets Texans know what winter looks like. As a freshman, he joined the Zamboni after following a trail of Dorito crumbs that ended in him being locked in the Schneider room for four days alone with a portrait of Jimmy Carter. When not getting bitten by animals, he is known to enjoy biology (Biopsych is too a real major!), video games (L to the Z), learning Spanish curse words, Photoshop, and failing to catch Simpsons references. Also known as "Father of the Modern Whexican."
	Staff
	Will "You Sleep With Me " Sokoloff Will is an all around awesome guy. At first we all thought that he was another a-hole from Jersey, but then we found out that he’s probably the funniest New Jerseyite (not New Jersian) in the world. Will proved himself by reporting on the Method Man/Saigon stabbing (see article), finding Pierce Brosnan drunk off his ass in Iraq (see photo) and getting his manhood bitten by a dog (see Will). When he’s not busy working on his photos he spends his time deciding if he looks more like Zach Braff, Tom Cruise, Wolverine, or Tony Danza. It depends. We all anticipate greatness from this comedic star; we just wish he would transfer … that pompous ass.
	Emma Goldstein Emma Goldstein was born and raised in the hood of Andover, Massachusetts. After being told to “class it up” by the folks at J. Crew, Emma moved to Haskell Hall, a high-end retirement village on the edge of Somerville. It’s like Boca Raton, but better. There she spends her days playing high stakes Bingo and slurping trick-turned green jello. Tufts Zamboni,the most intellectual community straddling Medford and Somerville, invited Emma to join them after new magazine affirmative action efforts were put into place. Emma is only on the Zamboni because of her soaring SAT scores, estrogen and love of those who are “80 years young.” After being turned down from Tufts’ leading conservative publication, The Primary Source, which claimed, “Affirmative action? We don’t do that shit,” Emma chose the Zamboni, a close second.
	Andrew Lang Andrew “Andy” Lang hails from the quaint Jewish shtetl of East Brunswick in glorious New Jersey, the (Olive) Garden State. Besides technically being appointed mayor of the town for seventeen seconds, other accomplishments by Andy include never having seen the movie Titanic and actually getting into Tufts. Mister Lang’s interests include anachronisms, Scotland, and hunting Nazis. He really enjoys making lols with the folks at The Zamboni, but he’s really insecure so if you run into him, be sure to tell him he’s a funny guy (even if he isn’t).
	Jonathan Wooldridge Jonathan Wooldridge hasn't done anything noteworthy since he was 10, but man, that time in 5th grade? That was awesome. Seriously, you should have been there.
	Previous Editors-in-Chief
	Devin "South Hall" Toohey The son of a peg-legged prostitute and Dionysus, Greek god of wine, Devin grew up in the mean streets of middle-class northern Jersey. After spending his first 18 years entangling himself with the Mafia, untangling himself with the Mafia, and learning every poop joke known to man, he came to Tufts because … well, what else was he going to do? Devin marveled the Zamboni staff at his first meeting by proving that no matter how awkward they were, he could still manage to out-awkward all of them. Devin’s work has covered such grave subject matter as masturbation, Communism, porno, Shakespeare, poop, academia, zombies, Iraq, porno, alcoholism, poop, religion, poop, the legal system, mass media, porno, poop, and much more. Through blackmail, bribes, and blowjobs, he eventually assumed the position of managing editor (which is a lot more uncomfortable than the standard missionary position). Except now he is in London and too busy ruining America’s already tarnished name to work full-time at the Zamboni. But like Jesus, King Arthur, John Lennon, and Captain America, he will return one day. If there is one thing we can learn from the Devin-Toohey-Story, it is that even if one is attractive, gay, and not Jewish, he can still be kind of funny.
	Mike "Rainbow Sword" Yarsky Mike Yarsky found his calling, like many others on Zamboni staff and in the greater artistic community, by channeling his deep sexual frustrations into comedic writing. Naturally, the endeavor led to numerous honors and achievements: having quelled the Somalian proxy war between Ethiopia and Eritrea through a hilarious though albeit unpublished news-brief on moist panties, he received a Purple Heart, a Congressional Medal of Honor, and a $25 gift certificate to Douches-R-Us. He would like to thank pigeons, the Amish, and the White House for providing virtually boundless opportunities of comic inspiration.
	Francis "Definitely Not Gay " Dahl Francis may come off as being homosexual, but that's just not true. In fact, he's even allergic to nuts. He may also come off as being American, which is just more lies, because he's actually British, despite not having any accent to speak of. Francis is most remembered for presiding over France during the early periods of the Renaissance, a time of immense cultural change for the empire. What? Oh, wrong Francis. Sorry. Nevermind. Francis is most remembered for his bitchin' hair.
	Stephanie "Sugar, Spice, and Everything Evil" Vallejo Stephanie's reign at The Zamboni can most accurately be described as a "benevolent dictatorship," the kind that Hobbes wrote about in his classic of English literature, The Leviathon. To much dismay and not a few threats of self-harm from her followers, Stephanie abandoned The Zamboni to become Editor-in-Chief of the Daily, a move known in the industry as "working for something she can actually put on her resume." Though The Primary Source joked that they weren't sure if the move was "a step up for Ms. Vallejo or a step down for the Daily," we at The Zamboni would like to think of it as a step down for Ms. Vallejo and a step up for the Daily. When not jumping to bigger and better things, Stephanie enjoys self-censoring swearwords (see: d-bag, a-hole, mothereffer), copious consumption of Diet Coke, and gnomes. Just, you know, because.
	Zamboni Alums
	Julie "From Russia with Love" Gomstyn Before joining The Zamboni, Julie Gomstyn worked as a trained assassin under the codename Black Mamba. She was as happy as any paid killer could be before she realized that her true calling was to hurt people through words, not bullets. Now she gets her kicks by writing offensive articles for The Zamboni, ordering Dominos at three in the morning, and watching television shows whose title characters fight crime/vampires.
	Ron "Doc Biohazard " Brown Once upon a time, a young New Jersey prom queen (fearing her parents' reaction) self-aborted her unborn child and flushed it down the toilet. In what can only be described as some ungodly fluke of biology and luck, the flesh-pile that would be Ron fell into radioactive waste and began to feed on it. Eight and a half months later, its protective radiation-infused placental cocoon burst open to reveal a young, super-powerful negro boy with a gigantic head. Alone in the urban jungle that is New Jersey, this bastard child of the atom was taken in by a kindly New Jersey family where he learned, for the first time, of love. Years later, he became the hard fightin, hard drinkin', radioactive superscientist adventurer he is today. Ron enjoys biomedical research, illustrating humor magazines, battling his evil twin, and foiling his arch-enemy's plot for world domination.