LGBT Violence Prevention Project

Relationship Violence

Definition

Relationship Violence is defined as intentionally violent or controlling behavior by a person who is currently or was previously in a relationship with the victim. Relationship Violence includes actual or threatened physical injury, sexual assault, psychological abuse, economic control and/or progressive social isolation.

Many of the characteristics of violent relationships or elements of relationship violence for *queer folks are much like those for what people commonly refer to as hetero-sexual or opposite-gendered couples.

These issues are complicated by a number of factors:

Because LGBT persons often face external oppression, hostility and persons who are uninformed about their lives and relationships, dealing with relationship violence can carry a unique burden or stigma manifesting in the following ways:

Underreporting - contributing to a lack of a clear picture of queer relationship violence
Fear of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship
Untrained or uninformed clinicians
Secrecy - further invisibility or marginalization
Self-hating on top of the discrimination
Lack of visibility and history of queer motivated violence...

For many queer people imagining a life free of violence can be difficult when faced with not only the threat of violence in their public life, but also within their personal relationship.

Tufts University is there for you...

Some of this is true for Tufts, but our campus is unique in that we have a model violence prevention project, a well funded LGBT center, housing for queer people, highly skilled and trained clinicians, faculty and police within a community that supports you.

* - We define queer relationships as any combination of LGBT or questioning in a romantic or affectionate relationships.

How is relationship violence unique for LGBT individuals and their allies?

Several important aspects of lesbian, bisexual, and gay relationships mean relationship violence is often experienced differently:

In same-sex abuse, an additional form of emotional abuse for someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual may be to "out" them at work or to family or friends.
Local resources for relationship violence in the GLBT community are often scarce and many traditional relationship violence services lack the training, sensitivity, and expertise to adequately recognize and address abusive GLBT relationships.
A queer individual who is being battered must overcome homophobia and denial of the issue of battering. Lesbians, bisexuals and gay men who have been abused have much more difficulty in finding sources of support than heterosexual women who are battered by their male partners.
It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.
Utilizing existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) often means lying or hiding the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bi's and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc.
Telling heterosexuals about battering in a lesbian, bi or gay relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that lesbian, bi and gay relationships are "abnormal." This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported.
The lesbian, bi and gay community is often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in lesbian, bi and gay relationships.
Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship.
Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.
The lesbian, bi and gay community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be drawn and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.
Transgender persons may be victims of violence by relationship partners who were unaware of their trans identity or personal history. This increases the risk that transgender persons already incur in the process of developing relationships and coming out. They may also be victims of abuse by partners aware of their transgender identity. Transgender people may be either LGB or heterosexual and may be assaulted by a same or opposite sex partner. Some specific forms of abuse may include withholding money for transition healthcare, hormones, physical or sexual abuse targeted towards surgically altered body parts and/or body parts that the partner is ashamed of or detached from, ridiculing the partners gender appearance, voice quality or sexual performance, refusing to use the partners preferred pronouns and threatening to out the transgender partner to family, friends or professional colleagues.
Relationship violence contributes to the spread of HIV/AIDS. Possible barriers include difficulty negotiating safe sex with a partner or refusing to participate in high risk activities; or inability to refuse sex with a partner one knows or may suspect is infected.

Source: LAMBDA Gay &Lesbian Anti-Violence project (AVP) Available at http://www.lambda.org/DV_background.htm

What can be done—both as an individual or through community advocacy?

Remember the following:

No one deserves to be abused.
Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and involve verbal behavior used to coerce, threaten or humiliate.
Abuse often occurs in a cyclical fashion.
The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner.
The abused partner feels alone, isolated and afraid, and is usually convinced that the abuse is somehow her or his fault, or could have been avoided if she or he knew what to do.

Action Steps

Friends and Allies

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused don't to privately express your concern. If someone tells you they are being abused believe them and do not criticize them - even if you know and like the abuser. Prioritize physical safety Respect confidentiality Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. Let your friend know that you will be there for them regardless. If you know someone who is being abusive, let them know that this is unacceptable and help them seek assistance

Victims

There are resources here at Tufts and in the greater Boston area. For contact information and help see "Resources."

Recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse.
Recognize that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own—episodes of violence usually become more frequent and more severe.
It is important to break the silence. Try to tell someone who will believe you.
Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive. A lesbian or gay male counselor with the above qualities may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.
Only you can decide what to do about your relationship—whether to stay or leave is your decision. However, it is important to develop a safety plan in case your safety is in jeopardy such as: a safe place to stay; emergency phone numbers; some money; your own bank account; post office box; and bag of essentials.

Activism

Break the silence
Get educated and help educate—through workshops, theater, media...
Speak out for violence prevention education to happen early!
Increase public awareness; promote culturally competent understanding of the issues
Advocate for informed treatment and services
Change laws; support gay marriage and fair child custody agreements Peggy?
Fight poverty and racism
Engage in grassroots activism and work for social change, equality and social justice efforts
Provide safe homes
Develop a campus speakers bureau
Volunteer for SSARA
Support sexuality education
Organize and/or attend a coming out day rally

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