Info For Parents - Counseling and Mental Health Service

120 Curtis Street, Medford, MA. 02155 ~ Phone: 617-627-3360

Information for Parents

Information For Parents and Families

Entering college is a significant developmental milestone for students, and it reverberates throughout the family. Although each student, and each family, is unique, there are some issues that commonly crop up for parents and families. This section of the website provides some general information about developmental issues in college age students, and speaks to some of the concerns and questions that you might have about your student and about our services.

Tufts University Counseling and Mental Health Service

Services for students: The CMHS provides confidential, brief counseling and referral, including individual appointments, walk-in consultations, emergency psychological services, psychiatric consultation, and psycho-educational programming. (See Services).

A variety of different concerns are frequently brought to counseling, including adjusting to college life, stress management, anxiety, depression, loss, substance abuse, loneliness, sexuality, eating concerns, relationship difficulties, and many other personal issues. If you are concerned about your student, encourage them to come in to see a counselor. We ask that students call to make their own appointments, however, rather than having you make one for them.

Consultations to parents: If you would like to speak to a counselor about concerns you are having about your child, including how to be helpful to them at a difficult time, you can call the CMHS and ask to speak with one of our staff.

Confidentiality and consultations: It is natural for parents who are concerned about their child's well-being to want information about whether their student has come to counseling and if they are making progress. However, confidentiality is critical to the success of the counseling endeavor, and we adhere to all legal and professional guidelines pertaining to the confidentiality of student counseling information. With a few specific exceptions (see Confidentiality) these guidelines prevent us from releasing any information at all about a student's participation in counseling without their written consent. This means that we cannot share with you whether we have, or have not, seen or heard from your student, even if they have told you themselves that they are coming to see a counselor. However, we do want to hear from you if you have serious concerns about your child, and are worried about their safety. Please remember that the counselor who speaks with you will not be able to tell you whether or not they know your child, and any information you share with them they will want to discuss as well with your students.
Understanding Developmental Issues and the Transition to College Life

Getting accustomed to your student's growing independence may take some adjusting to, both for you and for your student. It may be helpful for you to reflect on some of the many changes taking place for your student during this time of life. These include:

Greater Independence: Students must learn to take care of themselves in important new ways, and they must be increasingly self-reliant while still depending on parents in many ways. Their need for support from family may alternate, seemingly unpredictably, with their need for distance.
Developing Intimacy: Typically, students develop strong ties with peers, important intimate relationships with both friends and romantic partners, and greater self awareness within relationships.
Changing Family Roles: Within the family, students need to re-negotiate important aspects of their relationships, including family roles and boundaries. This last task is often the most difficult for students and their parents to navigate, and can be challenging when dealing with issues such as control and sharing of information.
Intellectual Growth: College is a time of life in which students experience rapid intellectual growth, and explore different ideas, opinions, and ways of thinking. The student in your life may express thoughts and feelings that you strongly disagree with, or their intellectual development may spark related interests in you.
Identity Development: Students at this age are exploring different facets of identity, and may experiment with different styles and behaviors. This is part of developing a sense of themselves as unique individuals with value and importance.
Tips for Parenting Through the College Years

Again, every family is unique, as is each individual within it. It follows that everyone is likely to have their own experience of this life passage, with their own particular challenges, joys, expectations, and concerns. However, there are a number of ways you may help to nurture your relationship with your college student, so that it can be as growth-promoting and satisfying for both of you as is possible. Here are some suggestions for working toward that goal:

Set reasonable expectations about academics: Your student may have been a super-academic achiever in high school, but may not get straight-A's in college. To some extent, your own expectations continue to influence the expectations students set for themselves. Help them to accept that doing the best they can is terrific, even if they do not make the Dean's list. If they truly do need academic assistance, encourage them to seek it out.
Be a good listener: When problems arise at school - which they inevitably will do - listen carefully to what your child says. Support them in exploring options and finding their own solutions, without taking it upon yourself to solve the problems for them. Remind them about the resources that are available to them at school (see Campus Resources below), and encourage them to seek those out for further assistance.
Be emotionally supportive: Be positive and encouraging, but don't push them to follow a particular course of action, or pressure them about majors or grades. You can be clear in expressing your own opinions, but trying to impose them on your student is likely to create unproductive conflict rather than positive changes.
Stay in touch: It can be tricky to walk the line between maintaining connection with your child and giving them the space they need at this age. Email, letters, care packages, and phone calls from home can help fight homesickness. Express interest in your child's experiences at school, and ask them about their classes, activities, and friends. If your budget allows, a little spending money, or a gift card in a small amount from a local store, can help your student get a special meal off-campus or pick up a small specialty item to brighten up their day.
Ask them what they need from you: When you are not sure what to do, it's okay to ask your child what they feel they need from you at that moment. They may want you to just listen, for example, while they "vent" about something, without having you respond or be "helpful"; perhaps they need sympathy, a hug, a visit, a phone call, or some distance.
Get the support you need: This can be a confusing time, and may even sometimes feel like a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. One day your child may reach out for your support, the next day reject any offer of help. You may find yourself having many different feelings, such as relief when your child leaves home for college, anxiety about things they are experiencing, sadness and loss about being separated from them, etc. These are all natural reactions, and won't last forever. Meanwhile, stay in touch with your own supportive friends and relatives. Talk with other parents who have been, or who are now going through, the same thing. Take good care of yourself, including doing things you enjoy, getting adequate rest and nutrition, exercising, and using healthy coping skills to manage stress.

Resources for Parents and Families

Websites:

College Parents of America

National Resource Center for First Year Experience and Students in Transition

Popular Books:

College of the Overwhelmed: The Campus Mental Health Crisis and What to Do About It, by Richard D. Kadison and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo (2004)

Don't Tell Me What To Do: Just Send Money, by Helen Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller, (2000).
When Your Kid Goes to College: A Parent's Survival Guide, by Carol Barkin (1999).
Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years, by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger (1997).